How did you know about abob?

I was part of a men’s spiritual circle and one of them was in abob. I knew about abob for some time but I was too proud to join. I’d done the Landmark work and I didn’t realise further personal transformation was possible. Eventually I did go to an Open Evening and the Mentor Training before the Rites of Passage weekend.

How was the Rites of Passage Weekend for you?

It blew my mind – the process of it really got me. The blind folds, the sitting in silence, the carpet work but mostly what I hadn’t experienced before – the brotherhood. I’d never experienced anything like this level of trust for other men. It was all about exploring the shadow for me – letting go of stuff that I’d been holding on to. I didn’t realise that I had significant amounts of self-loathing that I’d been self-medicating for a long time with drugs and drink.

The work on this weekend enabled me to allow all of that to flow. It felt as though big weights had been lifted. There was a lot of grief.

What was the grief about?

When I was 16, a close friend was stabbed and died. I did a lot of coffin–carrying at an early age. And then my best friend was murdered. I couldn’t express the grief at the time, it was too much for me. I felt too afraid to release it.

Tell me a bit about your childhood?

I grew up in Wigan, I’m mixed race and my dad is Jamaican and mum English. I didn’t see my dad for 16 years. My mum was a single parent. I had a little brother too. I often found myself in the caring role. I was a good football player – I was professional as a teenager. But I was also addicted to drugs, it was my way of self-medicating. And I dipped in and out of crime. My mum didn’t really know about it. I hid it well. Underneath I felt I’d been abandoned by my dad and that it must be my fault. I shut off all my feelings for most of my life. And adopted the attitude – fuck the world.

What about school?

I was popular because I was a good football player so schoolwas a breeze re friends. I was carrying out robberies on the side and selling drugs. My attitude was – I can’t afford that so I’m going to steal it.

When did the change happen?

About four years ago, I was in that Men’s Group and someone recommended Carl Jung. I started reading. That really introduced me to the idea of healing my relationships with my parents and how important that was to do for me as much as them.

How were your intimate relationships?

Going from bad to worse. Things were going wrong a lot. I had met a girl I liked a lot so I stopped selling drugs and at that point, I realised I had a £1,000 a week habit but I no longer had those drugs. We broke up. But in 2022, I started going to AA through one of the men in the men’s circle. That really did start me off thinking differently again. I was on the path of self-development. This is when I truly started looking in the mirror and facing up to the fact that I was struggling with addiction.

What role has abob played in this transformation in your life?

Abob has played a huge role. The rites of passage weekend is so powerful and the weekly circles are vital in terms of maintaining stability. I’ve been developing my role withinabob in terms of a community leadership one. I’m interested in what healthy leadership looks like.

1. My relationships have all improved. I’m good friends with my dad these days. And I’m in a good healthy relationship with my partner where we communicate really well. That’s the key to everything. I’ve learnt about accountability, I apologised to my mum and dad for my behaviours and told them I love them. That was incredibly healing.

I feel a big part of this brotherhood and that’s something I’ve never felt before and it’s powerful.